Dearest Martha,
As I write to you on this, the anniversary of my birth, I must admit that I have had a bittersweet birthday. Without a doubt, the men have certainly helped me celebrate this momentous occasion by continuously posting rather arousing photographs of ***REDACTED*** all over the barracks. These guys certainly know how to make a person feel loved. At the same time, however, seeing all of these ***REDACTED*** makes me miss you all the more, my love. As I sit here and ponder past birthdays spent with you, I can’t help but to recall that time when we ***REDACTED***. I don’t think I’ve ever had a better piece of cake! Anyway, I simply wanted you to know how much I miss you on this special day and to let you know that, while it isn’t the same without you by my side, with the help of Wild Hog, Scotch, Field Goal, Lincoln Logs, IR, Cramps, Hedges, Grave Digger, IMom (actually it’s Inspector Mom, but he likes it better this way), Slum Lord, Stalker, along with Half Empty and All 9s, I have been able to overcome the pain of our temporary separation.
Now I don’t want you to worry, but over the past few weeks I have been slowing recovering from an injury. Somehow, I hurt my hip while ***REDACTED***. (I’ll have to try that with you once I return home.) Therefore, today was my first day back in action.
The morning was hot—damn hot. It was that kind of hot that makes you want to slap your mother. (Not that anyone should slap his mother. It’s just a saying I once heard.) But after prayer and the normal disclaimer (don’t sue me if you get hurt), we began our mission by quickly scouting our surroundings. Some of our normal area of operation had been barricaded, but we continued around until we arrived at a central location to prepare for battle. We actually did some stretching (what a concept!) and followed this by a series of through the tunnel, side straddle hops, little baby arm circles (both ways) and overhead claps. Then, after finishing off with imperial walkers, we headed to that place known as the block pile to acquire the necessary tools for the operation. From there we proceeded to the field of battle to carry out the attack. Upon our arrival, we quickly formed groups of 3, but honestly, it was a crap shoot to see what we’d be doing (i.e. we rolled dice). We ended up working together to perform 300 maneuvers at one location while another member of the squad did another maneuver on the other side of the field. In the meantime, the 3rd member of the squad continuously marched supplies back and forth across the field. Of course, in order to maintain our stamina, we traded off our responsibilities each time the runner made it to the other side of the field. In all we ended up doing 300 block thrusters, squats, Carolina dry docks, curls of the girls, heel touches, and monkey humpers. Needless to say, it was a tiresome affair, but we all made it back to the base safely and in once piece.
Upon closing, I would like to remind you of Stop the Swamp and the Jailbreak on August the 24th and thought you should know that the registration for the Dam2Dam Rely opened up this very day. Also, my love, if you would, please keep all marriages in your prayers. That being said, please know that even though we are not together this day, my birthday was special because you are in my life and your willingness to ***REDACTED***.
Yours Forever,
Irrev