Conditions: A very tolerable 72° with 76% humidity.
The Backstory: This is going to be a bit unusual for a BackBlast, but YHC needs to share a secret with everyone. Nothing too crazy, like when Terry Griffith reveals she is really a woman to unconventional love interest Rick Morehouse at the end of the 1985 teen comedy, “Just One of the Guys,” but something that I have been keeping in nevertheless. 10 years ago today, I had a cat named Yum-Yum Mittensworth III. I found him stuck in a well and, after an exhaustive effort involving duct tape, garden hose, and some bungee cords, I saved him from that well and adopted him as my own. I carried him around with me in a papoose and we did everything together. After much nurturing and TLC (RIP “Left Eye” Lopes), he grew into a fine 28lb specimen of adult cat. I would frequently show him off by carrying him above my head whenever I entered a new venue, as if to proclaim “Look people! Look at this Golden God that I have raised from a weak and mangy 2lb mewling. Who among you can lay claim to a 4-legged companion as brilliant as this?!” I soon realized that most people do not like having a cat shoved in their face while they’re buying gift cards at Barnes & Noble, or being made to feel (rightfully so in my opinion) that their labradoodle is inferior to Yum-Yum.
My claims of having the most magnificent representation of felis silvestris catus in the Southeast soon travelled across the Narrow Sea and reached the ears of the Tanaka Clan. I was invited to participate in the Kumite – an illegal and underground freestyle, single-elimination and occasionally deadly full-contact martial arts tournament. I had no business going to Hong Kong, but I was young and arrogant. With Yum-Yum nestled securely against my bosom, our hearts beat as one and I was bolstered to accept any challengers. But like Icarus, I rode on wings of hubris too close to the Sun. I thought no harm could come to me, but alas, my legs and back were weak. I was tired from the walk from the parking lot, and my opponent, Tong Po, quickly blinded me with a crushed salt pill in the first round and swept my spindly baby legs out from under me. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to enter the fight with a cat strapped to my body, but my back was not large enough to sufficiently shield Mr. Yum-Yum from Po’s blows. I went down hard amongst a flurry of fists and feet and fur, with Po’s mocking chant of “Weak legs weak back, Cat Attack!” ringing in my ears.
When I woke up, the arena was empty and I was laying next to a furry heap by my side. Realizing what I had done, I scooped up my loyal companion in my shirt and tried to staunch the bleeding. But alas, Fate had cruelly taken all nine lives from my friend that day. I laid his body to rest beside the sacred bonsai tree. When I removed the shirt that had cradled Yum-Yum’s body, I noticed an image of his face had miraculously been left behind. This image gave me the strength to move forward with my life, and would be a constant reminder of my Quest – my Quest for vengeance that will end only once I have looked into the cold eyes of Tong Po and made him answer for his crimes against felidae everywhere. With sleeves removed, this shirt would become my Shroud of Purrin.
When I got back to the States, I began what I thought was a pretty hardcore training regimen, showing up every day at Planet Fitness for the last nine years. Unfortunately, in my grief I would sometimes emit uncontrollable cries of rage over Yum-Yum that would constantly set off the Lunk Alarm and I was asked to leave in May. That is when I found F3. 29 boot camps later, I had almost reached a level of fitness that would allow me to face my mortal enemy. I only needed one final workout…
The Thang:
SSH x 20 IC
Mosey to Emily Douglas’ Undercarriage Undercroft (naming credit to Fountainhead).
5-10 pullups.
Grab a 28lb block, which would remain with you for the rest of the workout.
Calf Raises x 20 IC
Hold your block/cat proudly above your head and walk to King/Blossom.
Monkey Humpers x 45 secs
Mosey to King/Devine
Single Leg Squats (opposite leg underneath) x 1:00
Mosey to Woodrow/Devine
Superman (on stomach, lift thighs + chest off ground and hold) x3 @ ~15 secs.
Mosey to Maple/Devine
People’s Chair x 1:00, alternate raising one leg off ground
Partner Up. Partner one sprints clockwise around the block. Partner two farmer carries both blocks in opposite direction. When they meet, Partner one takes over the blocks and partner two sprints. One lap. Plank for the Six. Unfortunately, YHC lost place of his coveted “kids block” at this station and had to finish the workout in pain with the rest of the PAX. “You’re welcome” to whoever picked it up.
Mosey to another lot.
Bent Over Row x :30 secs
Cross street and mosey to Fern lot, quiet reverence while passing Devine Thunder Engine #9 (Thunder’s namesake).
Alternating Leg Lunge x 1:00
Saunter to unnamed lot.
Squat into calf raise x :45 secs.
Mosey to Maple/Devine
Superman x 4 @ ~15 secs
Mosey to Burger 77
Farmer’s carry drill again around block.
Mosey across street to King/Devine.
Pistol Squats (single leg squat with opposite leg out in front) x :40 secs
Long mosey back to Emily and jailbreak to flag since we were running 4 minutes over by this point.
Overall, the PAX covered 2.3 miles with a 28lb block, with thanks to DriveBy for the workout inspiration. I am sure there was some quality Mumble Chatter that I likely missed since all I could focus on was trying to remember what came next. Thank you all for helping me to sharpen and hone my body into the finely crafted muscled machine that currently sits behind this screen, trying to Google line spacing formatting in Word 2010. Since I am now ready to begin my Vengeance Quest, I will likely never see any of you again, and I want you to know your fellowship has been truly valuable.
Or I might fartsack the whole thing and see you guys on Tuesday.
Strong Legs Strong Back #ThunderCats!
Announcements:
- Come out to #BullonFire on Labor Day. What else are you going to do? Sleep in while your fellow PAX run hoses up a hill that has been lit on fire and sprint up trees to see who can rescue the most cats? Don’t be a jerk. Just show up. There may even be a raffle at the end for a 65” Sony LED TV (Disclaimer: there won’t).
- Kiawah Half Marathon coming up in December. Contact Costanza to give a hard commitment so we can get an extra discount. Use the money you save to sign up for a second Half. Take that extra shirt you get and use it as your new Car Washing Shirt so you can finally get rid of Hard Rock: Atlanta. How long have you had that thing anyway? There’s a hole in it that clearly shows half of your nipple.
- Mission Mud Run group is looking strong thanks to Robber and some determined men.
COT & BOM
Devo: Beads on the importance of extending Faith to others.
Speechless.