The Backstory:
(Location – F3 Corporate Offices, Management Meeting, December 5th, 2015)
Jim: Gentleman, I appreciate everyone…Steve put that chair down!! Chairs are for closers only!
Steve: Are you serious? Where do you want me to sit?
Jim: Maybe you should have thought of that before you botched the October Dealer’s Choice with your “jab/uppercut/sprawl combo” idea. Maybe you can sprawl over there in the corner.
Blaine: Haha, good one boss!
Jim: As I was saying, thanks for coming in on a Saturday. I know most of you have lives outside of this office, which includes hobbies and families to get back to so your commitment to this organization means a lot. Steve, I have been notified by HR that you have felt excluded during our meetings and this is causing you a lot of distress, so thank you also for coming in with the employees that have families and hobbies.
Steve: Jim I specifically asked Nancy to…
Jim: We had great attendance at our Halloween Special, but I have noticed lowered consumption of our Thunder line as we head into the winter season. We really need to stay in the black following our end of the year reporting, so I want to brainstorm some ideas for 2016.
Blaine: How about Amazon Gift Cards? We give out free Amazon Gift codes with each purchase as an enticement.
Jim: You mean one of those codes like GQJK-4HF6S2-NQGL or QBQL-RW2KBN-G2KZ that you can redeem by going here? I like it. Let’s do it.
Perry: I said it once and I’ll say it again, you can’t go wrong with the Monkey Humper! Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like I’m breaking a sweat.
Blaine: It does if you do it right! Hiyoooo!
(group laughter, ruined by Steve who laughed too hard in an effort to fit in and ruined the cadence)
Alex: Everyone loves a Monkey Humper, but I think we should start with a theme and build the product around that. You’ve got to give the people what they want and people love themes.
Perry: And clickbait! It really drives traffic to our Facebook page. Even the Weather Channel is using it now. Never underestimate the power of a catchy headline. I brought a mockup:
Stacy: Waitaminute, just how did that dog end up on those blocks?
Perry: I guess you have to show up on January 5th to find out!
(group laughter)
Steve: I’ll admit that is effective, but I’m not sure how ethical it is. What if the pax purchase a Thunder, but it never explains how the dog ended up on the blocks? Or what if the answer is completely underwhelming when compared to the headline? And what about the animal rights implications of….
Alex: Who cares Steve? Don’t be a jerk. By the time they’ve posted it’s too late. What are they going to do, return their Thunder if they find out there’s no dog? I can promise there will be no lack of blocks to keep them busy!
(more group laughter)
Jim: Listen Steve, Alex is right. All we need to be concerned with right now are getting those posts or racking up those Ayes. Let compliance deal with the fallout. You call yourself a salesman?
Steve: I’ve been an F3 Salesman for two years! I don’t have to listen to this.
Jim: You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got just one month to regain your job, starting tonight. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this months sales contest. As you all know, first prize is an @F3Columbia retweet. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize’s a set of bricks. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? Dredd and OBT paid good money. Get a plan and sell it! You can’t close the Q you’re given, you can’t close jack, you ARE #sadclown, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!
Alright everyone, Steve “doesn’t have to listen to this,” so he’s responsible for the first Thunder rollout of 2016. You got one month to return here with the best Q the pax have ever seen.
Alex: Prepare for Sprawlathon 2016!
(group laughter as a dejected Steve exits the building)
Steve: I’ll show them. I’ll bring a Thunder the likes of Columbia has never seen!
(Location – F3 Corporate Offices, Management Meeting, January 4th, 2016)
Steve: Guys, I’m back! I’ve spent the last month in the Himalayas! It was pretty brutal and I lost three toes to frostbite, but I have learned the secrets of success from the Ancient Masters. They have taught me the best way to incorporate the Mind, Body, and Spirit. I have used that knowledge to develop what I believe is the most naturally harmonizing workout in the history of F3! It mirrors the Mind, Body, and Spirit with the 3 Fs, and challenges all who purchase a Thunder to use their fullest potential, along with Muscle Confusion, to produce the most extreme results possible. It’s true that my travels have caused me to develop a chronic case of Mikuchi Syndrome that can’t be cured, and my house was foreclosed while I was away, but I believe the ends will justify the means. The workout produces a greater synergy among the Pax and develops every single muscle in the human body, including the tongue! I truly believe this will be a game changer and revolutionize the F3 Market. It all starts with a series of pulleys and levers…
Blaine: Are you talking about tomorrow’s workout? We already figured that out dude, we’re just going to run around the block and lift stuff…
The Thang:
Warm-up:
- SSH x20 IC
- Overhead Press x16 IC
Today’s workout consisted of a lap around Hand with a stop at each corner:
Lap 1:
Station #1 (King and Wilmot)
- 13 Merkins (Chest)
- 13 Squats (Legs)
- 13 Iron Cross – solo (Abs)
Station #2 (Wilmot and Woodrow)
- 14 Carolina Dry Dock (Shoulder)
- 14 Lunges – each leg (Legs)
- 14 Big Boy Sit Ups (Abs)
Station #3 (Woodrow and Wheat)
- 15 Wide Arm Merkins (Chest)
- 15 Monkey Humpers (Legs)
- 15 Russian Twists – each arm (Abs)
Station #4 (Emily Douglas Corner)
- 16 Overhead Press (Chest)
- 16 Curls (Biceps)
- 16 Bent Over Rows (Back)
Lap 2 – Same as #1, but sprint Woodrow and King (All You Got).
Lap 3 – Same as #2, but add 4 burpees after each station.
Intermission – 20 Single leg calf raises that YHC very quickly switched to regular calf raises.
Lap 4 – Same as #3, but carry your block with you and incorporate it into all exercises (blockees!)
Bonus post workout by all pax stuffing the extra 14 cinder blocks that we did not end up using back under Emily’s undercarriage.
Since this was the first Thunder of the New Year, the theme of this workout was about continually challenging yourself. That’s why the repetitions and laps got progressively harder. It’s important to not only show up, but ensure you are constantly improving.
While planning this workout, YHC drastically overestimated the abilities of the human body and had we done this the way it was originally designed, it would have taken at least 2 hours and we would have run 7 miles. Always good to be able to adjust on the fly.
Announcements:
- MGC Presents – The Long Run 15k – 2/7/15 – This is a very well-supported race in the heart of downtown. Great course and you can finally fill up that empty 15k PR spot in your Strava profile. Contact McLovin for a coupon code?
- Hump Day Happy Hour at Henrys on Wednesday – bring an FNG and we will get an easy alcohol-induced HC for Thursday’s Blitz before he realizes that the word “burpee” appears 68 times on the F3 Exercise List.
- Thursday Lunch – New location to be determined by Boris.
Great Devo by OC.
ABC!